


It Doesn't Matter Who Buys This Material: It will end up in the hands of your children

by glitterandlube



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-03
Updated: 2010-08-03
Packaged: 2017-10-10 22:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once a person is perverted, it is practically impossible for them to adjust to normal attitudes about sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Doesn't Matter Who Buys This Material: It will end up in the hands of your children

**Author's Note:**

  * For [airinshaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/airinshaw/gifts).



> The first person to name every cliche I used gets to have sex with Flanigan. I think someone found twenty. Good Luck.

John keeps pushing himself as he runs with Ronon, he's almost outdoing him, and the last time that happened he started turning blue and growing scales. He continues running even after Ronon stops to cool down, making him jog after John, watching him carefully. John is shaking, but he keeps going until he falls over, barely able to breathe. He isn't exactly crying because he doesn't really know how. Ronon moves around him, trying to pull him off the ground, but John shoves Ronon's hands off his shoulders.

"Get away from me."

Ronon nods easily, "I'll go get McKay."

"I want you to leave me alone. I don't fucking want McKay."

Ronon comes back with Rodney about fifteen minutes later, since they had looped back around by the time John decided to have a little break-down. John feels Ronon touch his shoulder and leave as Rodney sits down beside him, and starts to talk about neutron stars, carefully enunciating his words as he rubs John's back. John leans his forehead against the bottom railing.

"I don't give a shit about stars."

"I know."

John looks over at Rodney, who looks unhappy and worried, his eyes searching John's face. John lets himself be dragged over sideways, and falls into Rodney's lap. He buries his face in Rodney's thigh as Rodney massages his scalp and changes the topic to light shifts. He talks about how sometimes just because you aren't sure something isn't there, or it's not easy to see, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. John just clings to Rodney's leg and mumbles back about ray guns and how a real friend would make him one. Rodney ignores him like he has the other fifty times John has managed to work that subject into a conversation. One minute they are talking about pens, and why Rodney misses them, and the next, ray guns. There was a jump about pens to swords to weapons in there somehow.

John gets over his nervous breakdown, and they all agree never to speak of it again other than giving him sideways glances for three days afterwards until he threatens to have a breakdown that involves stabbing people. They go off-world to trade with some people Teyla might have heard of two generations back, and John gets knocked over by a cart pulled by the scariest looking animal John has ever seen, personally or otherwise. He limps back home, cursing, with his arm around Rodney's shoulder, listening to the steady steam of insults about his balance and soldiering skill.

They get back, go through the debrief and the check-up where John pretends to be fine about sixteen times before he can hobble back to his room, and cry in privacy like a fucking man. Which is the inevitable cue for Rodney to walk into John's room. John is rereading his golf magazine for the fifth time out of sheer boredom, and because he doesn't want to admit to himself that moving too much makes him want to scream like a tiny tiny girl.

Rodney gestures towards him, "Take off your shirt and get on your stomach."

John stares up at him for a second, then tosses the golf magazine, "You're right, the hell with foreplay," and spreads himself out on the bed. He only winces a little bit.

Rodney rolls his eyes, "I'm going to work on your back, asshole."

"There is nothing wrong with my back."

"Which is why you walked back here like you were 250 years old, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, McKay."

Rodney crosses his arms, "Fine. Get up off the bed, and walk over to me."

"No."

"Because you can't." Rodney is looking at him pointedly.

"Because I don't want too."

"Okay, go get your magazine."

John looks at the magazine clear on the other side of the room, and shrugs, proud that he doesn't scream at the muscle shift. "I don't really need to get it. I'm kind of tired of it."

"I can work on your back, and you can be out of pain, or you can be a jerk about it, and suffer for weeks. Possibly months. Your choice."

"Months?" John frowns.

"Wasting valuable genius time here. Take it or leave it." Rodney makes a hurry it up motion.

"Can you help me take off my shirt?"

"Yes. It's that bad?" Rodney hurries over, and puts a bottle of something on John's table before helping John pull his t-shirt over his head. John winces as he lifts his arms up. Once they get his shirt off, Rodney helps him onto his stomach and crawls over him to carefully straddle him.

"You know this is kind of gay."

"Like you're kind of gay?"

"I'm not kind of gay." John frowns into his pillow.

"Right, you're completely gay. I wouldn't want to insult your sheer level of gayness."

"You're the one who came in and climbed on me."

"Your bed is the size of a child's, where else am I going to go? Also, you're the one biting a pillow right now."

John tries to turn around to smack at Rodney, but only ends up twisting his back even more, and buries his face in his pillow whimpering.

"Serves you right."

"Just get on with it." John isn't biting the pillow, come on.

"Promise to take it like a man?"

"RODNEY!"

Rodney leans over to pick up the bottle of massage oil that he rubs briskly into his hands.

"What scent is that?"

"I'll give you a hint, it's not Old Spice."

"Shut up."

Rodney leans forward and starts working on John's neck, beginning at his hairline. He rubs his fingers in carefully, making John move his head side to side, making him stretch a little, trying to get him to loosen up. It's a slow process. When they finally get into it, Rodney is using his entire hand, digging the heels of his palms into John's muscles, making him groan. He has John sit up so he can works out a few sections. John spends the time leaning forward on his hands, his head hanging down, his eyes shut, trying to ignore the fact that it hurts. It takes Rodney about forty minutes to get him in better shape, when John can get back on his stomach, and let Rodney finish him off.

It's a lighter touch this time, circling carefully, and John arches up into it. He feels about a million times better, maybe not doing back bends anytime soon, but he no longer wants to bathe in morphine. He drifts along, shutting his eyes, and resting his head on his arms as Rodney hums.

Rodney stops rubbing John's back to laugh. John turns his head to eye Rodney through slitted lids, "Why did you stop?"

"I think you're purring."

"No stopping."

Rodney pats John's back, "Good kitty."

"I'll hurt you for that later. Back to fixing me."

"I don't fix people, but since you're kind of a robot, it could still work."

"Danger, Will Robinson, Danger."

"As long as I'm not Dr. Smith."

"You don't want to be the shady bizarre guy?"

"Not really, I want to be the guy who saves the day with the brilliance of his mind, then gets rewarded with a lot of naked alien sex."

"I thought I was Kirk."

"Yes, I said I want to be that guy. I didn't say I was that guy." Rodney huffs indigently as continues to rub circles on John's back.

"Batman didn't exactly sleep around that much."

"He was too busy with Robin."

John starts to cough, and Rodney thumps on his back. "Shut up, not like that. He was saving people. Not everything is about gay sex, you just think it is because you're a slut."

"And I'm right too, you're just deluding yourself about the subtext."

"Maybe if they had named Robin something other than Dick."

John starts laughing, making Rodney mutter about jackasses and fitting characteristics until John settles down, and goes back to pretending to be Catwoman while Rodney finishes up on his back.

"I think you should be okay now." Rodney climbs off John, making John whimper for about five different reasons, and think quickly about Wraith and Wraith hands, and his dad, and dead fish. Then he has to question his sanity briefly before getting off the bed, feeling kind of shaky. Rodney is walking around him, making him move around and frowning.

Rodney looks at him a little more carefully, "Take off your pants." John unbuttons them, letting them fall.

"Yes, very impressive, Colonel, that you can't buy clothes that fit you correctly. Off."

John smiles, and steps out of them, watching Rodney circle him, and step up behind him.

"Hold very still, I don't want you to move no matter what I do." John freezes as Rodney puts his hand on his hip and the other on his ass and sort of moves him a little bit. He feels something shift in his back, and all the tenseness in his lower back is totally gone.

"Whoa."

Rodney makes an agreeing noise.

John moves around carefully, and he's pretty good to go. He grins hugely at Rodney.

"So now that we have the foreplay all out of the way, we should probably have sex."

"A simple thank you would suffice." Rodney stares at him incredulously.

"Is this your version of being noble?"

"Maybe I just don't want to sleep with you. Perhaps that was only my erstwhile AU version." Rodney waves his hands dismissively.

"I didn't have sex with Rod."

"I'm sure. He mentioned something about bonding over golf. At least I hope that is what he was talking about when he said he adjusted your grip on your shaft."

John looks at him for a minute before saying, "Rodney, come on, I said I like you about a million times better. Get over it."

"I'm still failing to see a reason why we should have sex."

"Maybe because I'm hotter than your girlfriend."

"My god. How am I the one with the ego problem?"

"I think I'm hotter than your girlfriend. You think you're one step above Jesus." John gestures towards the poster of his personal god, The Man in Black. No one is cooler. Not even Ronon.

"When we figure out how to exploit surface tension and walk over water, I'll make you eat your words."

"I look forward to it. Mostly because I want to walk over the ocean. Could sharks still sense you if you were above the water?"

"It would depend on what kind of disturbance you were causing in the water below you."

John nods thoughtfully, "That makes sense. So about the sex we're going to have."

Rodney backs up into a wall. John smiles sweetly.

"I was being nice."

"You're not nice."

"John, I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"I have to leave this room right this minute."

"You absolutely can do that after you take off your pants."

"I don't think that is a very good idea."

"Let me help you." John leans over, and starts unbuttoning Rodney's pants, and Rodney swears he says, 'no', and 'this isn't a good idea' and 'you should stop in a couple of years' but John knows as well as Rodney does how much he is lying.

Rodney ends up on John's bed, dazed and not sure what is going on other than watching John's lips wrap around his cock, before moving up and down slowly. John pulls off to slide his tongue around the head, flicking his tongue at the slit and then sucks the head back in to slide his tongue underneath, in a really fantastic spot. Rodney squeaks and holds onto the sheets as tight as possible. Days seem to pass, Rodney is very sure, as he ends up with John kissing him hard. Lips open, wet mouth, tongue licking his way into Rodney's mouth in a way that Rodney hasn't really had since he was twenty years old.

John is moving his hips, their cocks are sliding together, John's spit and pre-come helping smooth the way. John is moaning into Rodney's mouth, and Rodney's hands are on John's ass, making sure he stays right there, moves just that way. He comes loudly, choking out John's name, grabbing John's jaw to watch his face as he tenses and groans low and long. John's eyes flash green afterwards and Rodney can't stop staring up at him. Why does he always miss the obvious like this?

John wakes up, half falling out of his stupid bed, but he just doesn't care for the first time in four years. Finally, finally, he has exactly what he wants where he wants it. Ferris wheels, football, and flying still aren't as great as fucking. He looks up at Johnny Cash, and slides a hand over Rodney's chest. He isn't sure which one of them is June Cater to be honest. Rodney flails awake like he always does, bitching and smacking his head on something. John is waiting quietly as Rodney looks at him. They stare at each other before Rodney pulls John down, and they kiss, softly, just a little edge to it.

John licks his lips, and touches Rodney's face. "We're good right?"

"Yes. Of course we are."

Rodney runs his hand up John's back as they lay there, and breathe, trying not to think about anything else that might happen between now and the end of the day.

"Stop humming Ring of Fire before I kill you."

"How about You Are My Sunshine?"

"Get off me now, I have to go take a shower and break up with Katie Brown again like an asshole."

"Try not to propose again. I don't want to have to hide any more bodies in the abandoned section."

Rodney nods before his head jerks up, "What do you mean anymore?"

John gives him a lazy grin, "I'm sworn to secrecy."

"No one is missing." Rodney is standing naked in the middle of John's room mentally cataloging the entire expedition in his head to make sure, while John laughs and admires the view. "What?" He glances down and rolls his eyes, "Oh. Yes, yes, I'm going to go get dressed."

"No rush." John shrugs and leans back, spreading his legs a little. Rodney's eyes narrow.

"I'm sure."

"Rodney, my sureness is still stuck in your chest hair."

"That's...that's actually disgusting, I need a shower right now." John gets off the bed and walks towards Rodney, hands out.

"I didn't say you were invited."

"I'm inviting myself."

"Huh, a minion to wash my hair. On second thought, that's fine, you can shower with me."

John rolls his eyes, and drags Rodney into the bathroom. Rodney strolls out twenty minutes later all pink and vaguely cheerful. John is still in the shower, doing a few extra things he kicked Rodney out for. Rodney frowns at his dirty shirt, but gets dressed anyway, stealing one of John's jackets as he flees out the door.

Later that day, John looks into one of the labs, where he sees Rodney looking miserable, and Katie Brown crying. He rushes in, and makes an excuse about possible death, and needing Rodney immediately before dragging Rodney off. John is still slightly worried Rodney might promise to marry her to get her to stop crying. That would kind of go against John's plan for Rodney to marry him, so it seems best to be proactive.

"I'm an asshole." Rodney looks back at the lab door, and his shoulders slump even further.

"While that is generally true, you are not. If you were an asshole you would have kept dating her while sleeping with me."

Rodney looks over at John, "You would murder me in my sleep."

John smiles, and pulls Rodney into a supply closet. "I'm not happy Katie is upset, but her loss, my gain, would a blow job make you feel better about yourself as a person?"

"Strangely enough, yes."

John nods, and gets down on his knees, shifting around a little bit on the floors. He wills the city to whisk him up some padding or something, but nothing happens. It's always worth a try, it could happen one day. He rubs his hand up the front of Rodney's pants a few times, up and down slowly, dragging the heel of his palm a little bit to make Rodney's breathing change. Rodney's fingers are in his hair, pushing his face forward a little bit. John laughs quietly, and pulls away to unbutton Rodney's pants. He pushes them down about halfway with Rodney's boxers following immediately.

He shifts around until Rodney's cock is in front of his face, then he circles the base with his fingers and leans in to lick the head. He slides his tongue up the side of the shaft, and pulls back to take the head in his mouth. Rodney is already trying to dig his nails into the wall. John goes down slowly, letting the length slide over his tongue and into his mouth inch by inch. He likes to take his time because it pisses Rodney off constantly. Sex should involve lots of foreplay, John feels that strongly, which is why he smacks Rodney's hands away from his head when he tries to help out by pushing John's head down.

He pulls off and Rodney whines, "Why do you have to be difficult even now?"

John smiles up at his flushed face, and his glazed eyes. "You like it." He goes back down, all the way, taking Rodney into his throat and swallowing a few times, listening to the gasps and curses above him. Rodney smacks his head into the wall as he comes and John sits back to wipe off his mouth, pleased with the reaction. Most of their sex life ends up the same way. They don't exactly date so much as continue to spend every waking second together. There are no special arrangements, the only real difference is now John has someone else's right hand to borrow when he can't reach a certain spot. No one breaks up the team or does anything drastic. They tell Teyla and Ronon who both stare at them confused.

"I thought you were already dating?" Ronon looks at Teyla, who responds, "No, I believe Rodney is dating a women who works with plants." They both look back to John who says, "I stole him, he's mine now." Teyla rolls her eyes.

On their next mission, they go off world to the Planet of Cave Dwellers who are nice enough to offer them a place to crash for the night when a storm comes up suddenly.

John looks up at the sky, "Why is there never any warning?" The rest of the team all stare at him. He nods and scrunches up his face in the rain, "Right. Forget I just asked that."

They all troop into the cave sullenly and get a fire going before breaking off into their personal 'passing time without dying of boredom' activities.

"I'm cold, are you cold?" John has been trying to get Rodney's attention from his datapad for a whole hour. He's desperate at this point. Even watching Ronon pulls knives out of his hair has gotten old.

"Not really, the fire is pretty nice." Rodney taps on the screen quickly.

"I'm cold, and I think we should huddle for warmth." John is having serious thoughts about just yanking the datapad away or inventing a security rule about them not being allowed out at night. Though Rodney's face does look kind of cool in the reflected blue glow.

"Ronon is right over that way." Rodney points to where Teyla is doing some serious yoga style activity and John stares for a few minutes before remembering what he was trying to do here.

"I don't want to huddle with Ronon for warmth." He goes for the full pout that he knows Rodney can see because Rodney is grinning at the screen.

"That's very sad. You know if you maybe ate food every once in a while, and weighed more than three pounds you might not freeze all the time."

"Rodney."

"Alright, come here and we can cuddle."

"I said nothing about cuddling. This is manly huddling for warmth. Although just to be sure I don't get hypothermia, maybe we should take our clothes off."

"How many people have you tried this shit on?"

"It's worked with all of them."

"I'm not at all surprised. I'm keeping my socks on. Stop making that face. Stop it. Fine. Tell Teyla and Ronon to turn around at least." John grins in victory.

Everything goes pretty well between them, they fight the same way they always do, sometimes it gets vicious. Mostly over leaving towels on the floor where Rodney trips on them because looking where you are walking is clearly for lesser mortals. There is one whole day where the only thing John will say to Rodney is cunt.

Also, they have a small war with the Wraith. People maybe die or something. They finally make up after both being awake for 53 hours, when John is sending drones up as fast as possible and Rodney manages to turn on a weapon that destroys a goddamn Hive Ship. Everyone is staring at him in perfect awe and John sprints out of the chair to jump on him. They fall on the floor and stay there for the next five hours. The techs take pictures and alternate them on the bulletin board in the lounge.

John wants to apologize to Katie seven months later when a blonde physicist named Angela comes over on the Daedalus. When Rodney sits John down with an awkward look on his face, John's stomach tightens and he stands up and walks out. They had a nasty fight yesterday and he knew Rodney was fucking lying when he said he was over it. That bitch still isn't over shit people did to him in third grade. He turns around when Rodney hurries after him and spits out, "I worked it out, McKay, shouldn't you be working on reproducing your genes right now?"

Rodney screws up his face, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw the blonde superwoman."

"No really, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Angela. The one you keep mentioning, how amazing she is, and how she's not stupid like the other morons they sent you. I understand, you hypocrite. I'm obviously the slutty cheater here."

"You think I'm going to break up with you." Rodney is frowning.

John stares flatly at Rodney, "I also think if you don't leave my sight right now, I'm going to break one of your hands."

"You like my hands. I'm not dumping you. I was trying to think of a way to tell you that I am very um, fond of you without you becoming insane, but clearly that ship has sailed."

"What?"

"You heard me. Very. Fond." Rodney looks to the side, and taps his foot impatiently.

John grabs his arm, and drags him back to the room, where he shoves him on the bed as he locks the door with his mind. The next half an hour is a mixture of Rodney moaning and saying 'ow' a lot. It's pretty much the best sex of both of their lives.

Later on, Rodney lays on his stomach, radiating smugness.

John rolls over, "You know I feel the same way, right?"

Rodney nods, "Teyla told me you were using me for sex yesterday."

"She did not."

"Yes, she did. She pulled me into her room, and told me that although she did not wish to break confidences, she felt it was dishonorable not to inform me that you were shallow and obsessed with my sexual prowess or something to that effect."

"You are completely full of shit."

"No, I'm not. I had to explain to her that I was okay with being used for sex, since I'm a guy. Then I had to explain all guys are okay with being used for sex, it's sort of a rule of being male, like having a penis. She seemed very interested in that." Rodney looks thoughtful, "Who is she not hitting on now? We need to actually hook her up with one of those people."

"In a perfect world it would be Kate Heightmeyer."

"See, it's little things like that that tell me you are the one for me."

"That's touching Rodney. I'm so overcome I think we need to do something impulsive like get married." John runs his hand casually down Rodney's arm as he's talking.

Rodney fidgets, "Are you serious or just screwing with me?"

John widens his eyes, "I'm screwing with you."

"Oh dammit. You are faking your little nonchalance act. I can't believe I was proposed to like this, I at least want some flowers and a ring."

"I wasn't proposing, I was suggesting you get off your ass and propose to me."

"Why do I have to do it? We're all modern now, the woman can ask."

John smacks Rodney, "I'm the woman? Look! I! I don't even know where to start with that."

"Well." Rodney makes a hand motion that encompasses John being a bottom and their entire sexual history to date. It is a complicated, articulate hand motion.

"No."

"Yes."

"Screaming bitch queen is you, Rodney."

"Glitter curtains." Rodney points at the walls. "Candles, the constant insistence on mood lighting."

"Which makes me very gay, not a woman."

"Then why do I have to propose?"

"Because I say you do." John stares at Rodney flatly.

"Which makes you the woman." Rodney nods in triumph.

"I suppose I do run your sorry little life. Okay, I'm fine with being the woman."

"Why do I always win arguments I don't really want to win?"

"Always wanting to be right can backfire on you." John smiles as Rodney pokes at him.

Just like always wanting to get your way can also backfire on you. John figures he should go and find Katie. They sit down surrounded by plants and dirt, while John pokes at leaves and tries to work the hydroponics with his brain. It would be cool if he could make water squirt out at people randomly.

"I'm sorry I stole your boyfriend."

Katie laughs, "If he didn't want to be stolen, he wouldn't have been. I don't blame you."

"I kind of slept with him before you broke up to make sure he dumped you."

Katie nods, "The girls all kind of thought you were a slut." John starts laughing.

She smiles, "I think I was a test relationship for him anyway. He basically said as much."

"It still seems crappy that I get to benefit from your misfortune."

"That's how life works, something dies so something else can be born."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Of course I do, that's why I love plants."

"You're either really zen, or you're secretly smoking the plants."

"If I was, you wouldn't be getting any, boyfriend stealer."

"Getting some is how I became the boyfriend stealer."

Katie stares at John before dumping a bag of dirt in his lap, and grinding it in his pants. John feels they are kind of even now. He possibly even did her a favor in the long run. Later on, Rodney is pacing around his room very quickly, emphatically saying, "Zelenka told me that Simpson said that Jerry Holbrook, that obnoxious fucking asshole, saw you with Katie Brown today. You can not be friends with Katie Brown. I left her for you. That's just tacky and also, worrisome. I don't want you discussing my penis with other people."

"I already talk about my sex life with Teyla all the time."

"That would explain why she keeps staring at me like that. Regardless, I'm not talking about Teyla, I understand your need to share personal things with her, you're sisters now or whatever. I'm talking about Katie here. No friend making. Am I clear?"

"It's clear I'm going to go hang out in the botany lab today, and every day for the rest of the week."

"You know when I said I loved you?"

John grins, "You can't take it back."

"I can too."

"No, we had love sex afterwards, it's kind of permanent."

"Love sex?"

"Yes."

"As opposed to making love."

"If we were making love, I wouldn't have done that thing with my tongue."

"Fair enough."

They are on MPX-590 when Rodney finally does propose. The planet is full of sulfur, ash, and loud churning noises produced by machines made by stupid, desperate people attempting to escape certain death from above. Rodney sees John fall as they are running, Ronon shooting as fast as he can, Teyla holding her broken wrist as John shoves her forward. A lot of screaming, and destruction of property later, John emerges from the smoke, bleeding and covered with dirt.

Rodney's heart stops beating for three long moments before he runs over to John, grabs his hand, and says, "Marry me. You were absolutely right, we need to get married. Say yes right now."

John shakes his head and yells, "I can't hear you, Rodney. Stop screwing around and get off the ground! We need to leave."

Rodney holds his hand tighter, and gets down on one knee. John's eyes widen and he leans down to hear Rodney yell, "MARRY ME YOU ASS!" John grins as Teyla and Ronon close in on them in time to yell 'yes' at the same time as John. They all grin and a kind of group hug thing happens before Ronon gets hit in the back with a rock, and they remember the crazy planet people. John pulls Rodney off his knees, and they end up in a big pile through the gate, laughing. No one in the gate room even asks, Chuck just sticks his head over the consuls and yells about the dirt on the floor.

"Remember when everyone thought we were cool?"

"No."

They are eating lunch in the mess the next day when Rodney looks over at John and asks, "Wait, what are you going to do about 'don't ask, don't tell?'"

John leans back in his chair and yells across the way, "Lorne! Carter!"

He hears, "Yes, Sir?" and a very irritated, "What?" answered back to him.

"Don't tell anyone back on Earth I'm gay-marrying Rodney, okay?"

"Not a problem, Sir."

"Why the heck would I care what you do in your own city? Also, better you than me." Sam looks back down at her computer as Rodney sputters, "Teyla go hit her!"

The Marines at the next table are laughing, and they probably don't hear comments like 'take me big boy' for the rest of lunch. John has thought about being a little more of a hardass, but it would cut into his dick sucking time and he knows which one is more important.

They have a brief scare on MPX-903, the home of a bunch of people who worship their voodoo priestess person. Rodney claims he sprained his eyes from rolling them so much when they get back. She takes one look at John, with his awesome walk, and his grin, and she gets this look of pure glee on her face. Rodney puts his hand on his gun, but he doesn't even begin to understand what she means. She takes John into her tent, and explains to him how amazing it is that he is able to carry a baby.

He tries to explain about men, and not carrying of the babies, but she nods wisely and puts her hand on his stomach. She starts speaking of some people being life bringers and how the gods sometimes grant them special gifts."

John looks all vulnerable when he said, "Really?"

She nods, "You have the gift of the Ancestors don't you? They are blessing you again with this miracle."

Rodney looks around him, and sees the serious looks on Teyla and Ronon's faces. He has to excuse himself very very quickly. He can see the woman's minions giggling outside. He stares up at the sky in disgust. Getting off the planet is an act in masochism of the highest order.

At the debriefing, John explains what the woman told him to Elizabeth in a very earnest voice. Her eyes widen and she nods carefully while Rodney kicks at her under the table. Everyone is careful not to kill Colonel Sheppard's dream while snickering behind his back. Rodney is enraged.

"That woman was a bitch and she was FUCKING WITH YOUR HEAD."

"Don't yell at me, it's not good for the baby."

"Listen carefully because I will never say this again. You are not this stupid, stop acting like a goddamn moron."

John stares at him, "Why do you have to deny our love child?"

Rodney screams in frustration and spends a lot of time showing John diagrams of anatomy, and repeating basic biology. It makes him slightly ill, but he keeps at it, because Ronon has taken to following John around to make sure his young is okay. At first, he was really sure they were just screwing with him, but he finds John with a sad look after it finally sinks in. He is curled up on the floor in his room, staring out the window.

Rodney drops down beside him and pats his head.

"I have been sick lately."

"I know."

"I thought maybe it was that square thing with the purple lights."

"Okay."

"Is it so bad that I want to share something with you forever?"

"I suppose not, but I suspect you just wanted to have it as a back-up excuse in case I got cold feet."

"No, I have Ronon for that."

They huddle together on the floor while Rodney rubs John's belly, and John buries his face in Rodney's neck.

Teyla marries them in a very small ceremony consisting of every single person on Atlantis, a few neighboring planets, and Ladon. John stares outside the tent in horror, "Can we elope?"

Ronon has been sent to keep an eye on them, and he refuses to let them run off even with bribes of twinkies and various other snack food. They end up sitting through a long ritual that involves singing, some kind of dance that luckily doesn't involve them, a prayer to the Ancestors, and Teyla touching both their heads and pronouncing them bonded for life. They look at each other, and John shrugs before leaning over to kiss Rodney. Still less moronic and alcohol fueled than his first marriage in Vegas.

They have a honeymoon on the mainland, where Rodney uses a lot of sun screen, and a lot of lube. A good time is had by all, and the alien squirrels definitely get a kick out of taunting the damn large people by pelting their naked asses with nuts. After the fifth time, John goes and gets a Beretta and Rodney winces at the dead squirrel carcasses littering their camp.

"Any issues you want to mention to me now?"

"I don't like squirrels."

"Why?"

"They're gay."

"So are you."

"Different kind of gay."

"That makes no sense."

John shrugs.

"Stop spending so much time with Ronon, it's affecting your brain."

John looks up at Rodney slyly, "Because it's my brain you're always grabbing huh?"

Rodney rolls his eyes and they retreat back into the tent for more disruptive noises. The squirrels gather again and wait in silence.

They drag themselves back to Atlantis a day late, mostly because Lorne shows up to make sure they come back. Rodney stares at him, offended, "Why do you think I would throw away years of discovery to live in the wild with my sex toy?"

"I would probably believe you more, Rodney, if you took your hand off my CO's ass."

"My hand is perfectly fine there, I don't see why I need to stop touching my spouse to make you happy."

"Sir."

"Fine, let's go home. Rodney, you can grope me as much as you want."

"Ha."

"It's cool actually. If I get pictures of you guys making out, I can name my price."

A few things shake up after on Atlantis, Elizabeth decides to go on leave, and they get Samantha Carter, a fact that makes John remind Rodney about his wedding ring, and wedding vows, and how John owns many many weapons. Rodney just smiles happily at him, he has been waiting for Sam to show up on his home turf again for a long time.

They forget to reorganize the hierarchy in Atlantis, so after Elizabeth goes back to Earth for awhile to yell at a bunch of people, or commit murder, or whatever her highly secret plan to take over is, Rodney, John, and Sam have a group meeting to decide to run things via a group decision making process so John can feel like he's not actually The Man, and Rodney can't do anything that will accidentally destroy the entire world. They have meetings in Elizabeth's office every week while Zelenka makes Elizabeth's dolls dance around the room.

They are all waiting for John this time, as Rodney is waxing lyrically about Sam's ass.

She huffs, "Shut up, Rodney, or I'm telling your husband."

"Go right ahead, he'll only smirk at you."

When John finally does show up, twenty minutes late, Sam points at Rodney and informs him that his husband is a jerk, and is being unfaithful with his eyes again.

John shrugs and tells her, "We already had this discussion, Carter, I'm not blinding Rodney for you," before leaning over to kiss Rodney hello to piss off Zelenka. Radek groans and covers his eyes, as Ronon grins. He stills thinks they are cute. John pulls away after Radek calls out, "Can you please stop now? I am feeling nauseous and disgusted as you planned."

John licks his lips, "Where did you get chocolate pudding?"

There is some Czech swearing as Radek exclaims, "Ne. Ne. Zastavte tady. I have asked and asked to build memory erasing machine, but each time I am refused. I feel this is out of spite."

Rodney scoffs, "You would only use something like that to steal all my brilliant ideas. Plus, I can't help it you are jealous of my perfect union with the most gorgeous human being in the galaxy." John pats his leg fondly.

"Stop making out with Sheppard in front of me, it's killing my brain cells." Radek throws his calming dolls at Rodney's fat head.

"I could understand why you would be worried then, three more and you might run out."

Teyla pushes Radek back into his chair before he can even get across the table.

Rodney stares at him for a second before saying cordially, "I understand why you are up-set, you just need to find someone." He looks over at Sam, "After me, Radek is easily the biggest brain here, how about it?"

They all look interestedly at Sam, who stares at her hands before answering, "I've decided to become a lesbian."

They all stare a little more interested until she sighs and mutters, "I miss Daniel's vague gay asexualness more and more."

Rodney snorts, "I think you misunderstand some things about Daniel."

John leans over the table to ask, "Is it true he bought his wife with a candy bar?"

Sam glances up, "That's not exactly...I suppose so, but...Yes. I think it was a Butterfinger."

Ronon nods, "I once bought a woman for a sack of grain."

"You promised Teyla you wouldn't mention the incident with the Melanians ever again, Ronon."

On MPX-669, the local tribe doesn't seem to like any of SGA-1, and they end up tied up in a yurt that smells like garbage. John is trying to bury his face in his jacket sleeve or Rodney's neck, or anything. Teyla and Rodney look green while Ronon is trying to get to his hair. The yoga isn't paying off as well as he hoped. The people of Halarity drag Rodney and John outside to a crude altar and shove John on top of it. They give a long speech about purity and it's value in a world full of despair, before their leader looks at John, and explains that his sacrifice will help save them all.

Rodney whispers, "Oh my god, they think you're a virgin. How stupid are these people?"

John hisses back, "Shut the fuck up, McKay."

The leader of Halarity, Fuggle, raises his arms towards the two suns and sings, loudly, as John keeps his hand over Rodney's mouth. These people have a lot of pointy spear style weapons, and managed to disarm Ronon, so he's thinking it's a good idea to let them be whacky. After the song is finished, the priest waddles over to explain through his many, many cloaks and hoods, that John must let Rodney take his purity to appease the Ancestors.

Rodney is squeezing John's arm so hard John is starting to wince. The man misunderstands and assures him that his companion will be gentle. The guy glances at Rodney, and Rodney nods fervently, squeaking out, "Yes, very gentle. For his first time. Ever." It's a little less funny when they find out they have to do it public, in front of everyone, on this really hard altar. Rodney's mirth is decreasing with every word. The guy pulls a vial of something that they both guess is supposed to be lubricant out of robe number three and places it carefully in Rodney's hand. John and Rodney both stare at it, and back up at the priest.

"Okay, look, about this in public thing..."

The priest nods and points at John while looking at Rodney, "It is also important that he fulfills while you are joining."

"That he...? What?"

"You must not touch him in his place of power. He must fulfill from yours."

"I do not understand a word you just said."

John leans over and speaks into Rodney's ear, "I think he means I need to get off on just you fucking me. Apparently your dick is magical."

Rodney hisses back, "That has only ever happened twice! And it took 45 minutes!"

John looks at him like 'what the hell do you want me to do?' Rodney puts his hands in his face and whimpers. John smiles up at the priest who is making 'get it with it' gestures.

"Rodney, I think the nice man is waiting."

"I am trying to think of something hot enough to get it up with all these fucking inbreed pieces of shit staring at me."

John huffs, "I'm not hot enough for that?"

Rodney drops his hands, and looks up at him, "From the first time I met you, I have never not wanted to sleep with you. You are that hot, I'm thinking about you right now. Remember that time we did the thing with the ice, and the chocolate mint ice cream?" John perks up, "Yes."

"Well, I'm thinking about that right now, and since you need to look inexperienced, I don't think you can start acting like a fluffer. So let me think for a minute." Rodney covers his face with his hands again, and John shrugs and starts taking off his pants. Normally he would be dragging this out, but he doesn't want to lose his watch, or his sunglasses. He has his jacket and shirt spread out on the altar by the time Rodney drags his hands away from his face. John looks down at Rodney's dick and grins. Then he stops grinning when the priest looks at him funny. He tries to looks virginal and pure.

He pulls Rodney up and they look at each other awkwardly. John is in his underwear and he wants to put his pants back on, and Rodney is fully dressed and trying not to look to either side.

"Do you think I should leave my clothes on?"

"The hood guy didn't seem so cool with that idea."

"Are we allowed to kiss?"

"I...don't know?" John looks at the priest and leans over to touch Rodney's face. He cups his cheek and leans down to kiss him, Rodney's mouth opening as their lips touch. They kiss hesitantly but no one stops them or says anything, and Rodney's hands go up to John's waist to pull him closer. John has both of his hands on Rodney's face as he licks into his mouth, Rodney is already moaning, they can totally do this. John slides a hand down to tug Rodney's shirt out of his pants, and Rodney guides the hand to the front of his pants. John deftly unsnaps his pants, and no seriously, these people thought he was a virgin? Rodney is probably right about the inbreeding. They move onto the stone, where John has to stop kissing Rodney to curse and let Rodney climb over him.

"God, this is fucking! What? Stop looking at me while I'm trying to take his virginity." John starts to laugh, and wraps his arms around Rodney's neck while Rodney settles between his spread legs. "So public sex is kind of annoying." Rodney huffs into John's neck. John is making faces at him, trying to make him laugh as he wraps his legs around Rodney's waist. They start kissing again, only stopping to pull off Rodney's shirt, and shed his pants. John smacks Rodney on the ass when he sees the Einstein boxers. Rodney tugs on John's royal blue stripped things. He mouths, "Not sexy" as he rubs his cock into John's.

"Have you forgotten the other people yet?"

"What other people? I only see you."

"Rodney." John grins against his mouth.

"I married you didn't I? No one forced me or anything."

"Me too." They twine their ring hands together for a long moment before Rodney reaches down to pull John's boxers off. He kicks them free, and shuts his eyes when the crowd applauds. Rodney makes a noise of terror, "I wish Teyla and Ronon were here. At least I could make sure they were trying to cover some one's eyes."

"Nah. They would be watching."

"True." Rodney runs his hand up John's arm, curving his fingers over John's bicep, sliding up his shoulder. He keep moving until he is touching John's mouth. John bites at Rodney's fingers, then sucks the two of them into his mouth. Rodney watches him carefully, his pupils dilating until there is almost no blue left. He leans down to whisper, "Once a person is perverted, is is almost impossible for them to adjust to normal attitudes about sex. Did you know that?"

John whispers back, "I'm glad I ruined you forever than" and he starts pushing Rodney's boxers off. Rodney moves a little bit to help, before leaning back down. He picks up the vial and looks at John who raises his eyebrows suggestively. Rodney pours it on the fingers John had in his mouth and moves his hand down. He keeps his eyes on John's face, watching him as he slides a finger in and moves it around carefully. John's mouth opens, and he grips at Rodney's shoulder. Rodney pushes a second finger inside John, making him tighten his thighs around Rodney's hips. Rodney is propping himself up with his other hand, pushing them in and out, smiling as John's eyelids flutter. John is starting to sweat, and the muscles in his stomach move as he shifts down onto Rodney's fingers. There is dead silence around them.

Rodney moves them out carefully, and shifts his arm around one of John's legs, pushing it up as he lines up and pushes in. John is gripping his other arm and he lets out as a startled breath as the head moves past the muscle and slides in. He's still pretty relaxed from when they did this before they left for the mission. Rodney keeps sliding in as they are trying to adjust John's position so he can hit John's prostate as he thrusts. Rodney knows he got it right when John gasps and grips his arm again. Rodney moves with a steady rhythm that John moves into as they kiss, dirty, and wet, both of them panting. Rodney starts to falter after about ten minutes, it's hard for him not to just fuck John and touch him until he's in the same place as Rodney. Not that they ever seem to have much of a problem.

Rodney moves his head to kiss John's cheek, his neck, his shoulder. "Please tell me you're close."

"Yeah."

"I can't..John...John. Please. Please." Rodney starts to speed up, pushing into John faster as he groans into John's skin. John tightens his legs and shifts a little bit, arching up so Rodney can hit everything perfectly, and on the third try, he twists and whites out as Rodney smacks the rock with the palm of his hand and follows him out. They both come to a little dazed.

"Are you okay?" Rodney touches John's face softly.

"Uh huh. I'm good. S'good." John moves to let Rodney pull out.

Rodney glances down, "My cock is kind of magical."

John hits him on the side of the head.

The tribe lets them get dressed and go home in reverent silence. Rodney is blushing as stomps away. Ronon is grinning at Shep, who frowns, "You were in the Yurt right?"

"Nope."

"Goddammit."

The whole city knows every detail five minutes before they even get all the way back to Atlantis.

"All hail the Lord of the Smug."

"Shut up Cadman. What are you still even doing on Atlantis? I am sure I bribed Lorne to leave you behind on some swamp planet months ago."

"I escaped and found my way back."

"Through prostitution?"

"Stop telling new people I'm a hooker, McKay. You are not my pimp."

"Come on, people give me Mars bars, you give them oral pleasure. It's not too difficult of an arrangement."

Rodney ends up running down the hall with Cadman chasing him with a grenade. John rounds the corner and barks, "Lieutenant! FREEZE!" as Rodney skids past and vanishes.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"The pin is still in it, Sir." Cadman stares at him annoyed.

"No."

"Come on, he called me a hooker."

"Put that back in the armory."

"You used to be fun.."

"Marriage changes people."

"I would never kill McKay, he's 97% of any kind of hobby I might have here."

"Really? I heard some Marines say your hobby was amateur porn."

"WHAT?" Cadman turns around and runs off, her hair streaming behind her. John snickers.

A few hours later, the military has their weekly report to strategies meeting.

Cadman glares at John, "Everyone denied saying I was making porn."

"Of course they would to your face." John shakes his head at her.

"I think you were just trying to distract me from Rodney."

"Lorne, did or did not the Marines say on Friday night that they had a pornographic movie with Laura in it?"

"They said they had two." Lorne is staring at the scheduling in front of him, muttering "No, Henderson can't be on the same rotation as Kalvinen, they got into a fight over the Xbox last time."

John leans over, "Put him with Malvin, they both hate each other and might actually get their rounds done just to stay apart."

"Good thinking, Sir."

Cadman stares at them in spite, "I hate both of you. You're bad people."

"No, Sheppard is a bad person, I'm just misunderstood." They both nod.

"Whatever. You both suck, and I don't need to hear any shit about how you swallow." Cadman glares.

John shuts his mouth forlornly. Lorne points at John.

"Don't even try to say you're less gay than Sheppard."

"No one is as gay as Sheppard. He's a shining example for all future twinkies of the world."

"I really like our status meetings. My supervisors always made us talk about our actual jobs." They all shudder and Laura gets out her latest bottle of nail polish to start on Lorne's nails. When she is done with both them, Lorne holds his hand out critically.

"I don't like this color. Too peach."

"That is why I wear black. Nothing clashes."

"It doesn't go with my skin tone." Lorne turns to Laura, "Can I get something a little darker?"

They play strip poker afterwards, and John is losing. He's down his wrist band, his boots, both his socks, his thigh holster, his knife, his belt, his watch, and his jacket.

"We might actually see skin this time." Laura starts to laugh as she loses her pants and tosses them onto the desk.

Weir walked in once when they were playing, stared at Laura in her underwear, Lorne wearing only a t-shirt, John still fully dressed, and she walked right back out. She was kind of awesome like that. Well, John choose to take it as awesome, it was probably more a heavy amount of denial on her part. Heightmeyer had asked he and Rodney specifically to stop causing people to need to be medicated. It wasn't like they did it on purpose.

Rodney stares at John's hands later at the staff meeting in horror.

"What did I tell you about hanging out with slutty people? I don't want them to encourage you to go back to your old ways."

"We did have a threesome after we got sick of poker."

"Uh huh. Did you actually have to take your shirt off this time, or did you count your dog tags as a clothing item again?"

John sulks, "They wouldn't let me. I even had to take off my pants. It was horrible. We're playing strip chess next time."

Rodney leans over, and whispers, "Elizabeth just got a funny look when you said that. Is there a camera in your office?"

They both turn to stare at her and she smiles pleasantly. So not denial so much.

They go off world to trade some kind of grain the Athosians grow for some other type of food substance. Rodney is in page two, paragraph three of his what a fucking waste of time this kind of thing is for him monologue when Ronon starts repeating everything Rodney says until they are sniping enough that even Teyla is openly laughing. They move past a group of trees bearing a strange fruit that looks kind of like a large cherry until they break it open and Rodney goes, "Ah, gross, it looks like it is filled with come. Get that thing the hell away from me."

John grins, "I thought you liked semen." Ronon starts laughing as Rodney turns red, "It's not like I go around drinking it from every available tap."

Teyla is carefully wiping off her hand with a look of distaste on her face. "I think we should begin moving to the village now." She wipes her hand again on John's tac vest, and at his look she shrugs, "I would think it was not the first time something like this was on your vest," before turning around to walk to the village. John's mouth is hanging open as Rodney and Ronon cheer. The village turns out to be filled with really wicked, sharp weapons shown off at booths not unlike a county fair. Ronon ends up accidentally trading John for a sword. John stares in horror as the woman of the house reaches for his package to test the goods.

Teyla shows up as John is yelling, "NO MEANS NO!" and hiding behind Ronon. Ronon is testing the sword's weight and telling John he might have to take one for the team with a big grin. It takes Teyla an hour and a half to straighten the situation out as Rodney gets increasingly pissed off at the aliens at people who seem to think it's okay to touch his personal sex toy. He has to spend a lot of time soothing John on the way home. Rodney spends the night drawing math equations and property of 'Rodney McKay, Do not Touch, very Dangerous' on John's back. Lorne takes a picture the next day to hang on the John + Rodney display.

Sam spends a lot of time in the labs ignoring the psychos around her, and trying to work on Merlin's weapon when she isn't on her ship. Rodney hovers, and insults her work. She finally breaks down and calls him a series of nasty names which he shrugs at, because "Clearly, which is why I got married before you did."

"I've been engaged twice!"

"Uh huh."

"I broke off both!"

"Right, right."

"The second one kind of cried. I don't think I've ever felt so low in my life."

"Also, people don't perish when I kiss them. That is probably in my favor." Rodney nods knowingly.

"McKay."

"And my husband is gorgeous, look at him in his gorgeousness over there."

"I still say you gave the hedgehog brain damage." Sam crosses her arms and leans against the table to watch John lean a little further into the wall as he talks to Lorne about logistics.

"No, that was there before I met him."

Sam snorts and they both laugh. "You think everyone is brain damaged."

"I don't think you are."

"Wow. Thank you Rodney."

"Also, you have a very nice..."

"Stop talking now. You're ruining the moment."

"We were having a moment? John might have to hit you."

Sam looks at John carefully, "I can take him."

Rodney's eyes glaze over briefly as Sam stares at him. "Sorry, that just brought forth a few images I'll have to consider later."

"I am not interested in hearing about them."

"Do you own any strap-ons by chance?"

Sam's mouth drops open, and she hits Rodney in the arm.

"Ow, I'm delicate. No hitting."

"John gets to hit you."

"No, he does not get to hit me, he simply does it. Plus, he makes up for it in other ways, such as saving my life, and letting me fuck him."

"I've been meaning to ask you, Daniel and I have had this long running argument, did you sleep with Jonas Quinn?"

"Yes. A few times. Once in Daniel's office. Huh, don't tell John that."

"I knew Daniel was lying about forgetting everything he learned when he ascended."

"Some long dark secret you don't want coming to light?"

"No, it is just kind of creepy to think of the Ancients floating around, watching you shower, stalking you, drifting through your underwear drawer."

"Like Daniel did to Jack?"

"What?"

Rodney just grins at Sam, and turns back to the table to watch another simulation fail.

"There is no Jack and Daniel. Why does everyone think that?"

"Sam, you have no gaydar at all. Also, I think you suffer from selective blindness."

"But..."

"No."

"Well, Daniel and Jack both..."

"John was married to a woman once."

"Seriously? Was she clinically brain dead at the time?"

"I've asked, he doesn't really find that question funny. Apparently, she finally caught on when he started whining about the duvet being two shades off from the curtains and how it was messing up his aura. That and she found him in the bathroom with one of the guys from the base on his knees."

"Like that stupid song? By that dog guy?"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Sorry, Teal'c listens to an astonishing variety of the worst music on earth. The lyrics are something about a video camera and denial."

"That sounds more like they were making a porno."

"I wouldn't know."

"Of course you wouldn't know, wait, why are you looking shifty like that?"

"Vala. Um. I'm not telling this story."

"VALA MADE A PORN MOVIE?" Everyone in the room stops talking and looks over at Rodney and Sam, who waves her hands frantically, "Nothing to see here, go back to congregating. Holy Hannah, you have a big mouth, Rodney."

"Do you have a copy? Can we upload it the central server? Is it already on the central server? What's the file name?"

"She didn't make it on earth. She has a file in a holographic form, it's huge, she played it once and I...it was huge, you could walk through people having sex. I had to take two showers."

"You should have brought it, you can trade porn for anything over here."

"I don't want to trade porn. I am not a porn trader. That is not respectful conduct for a US military officer to be engaged in."

"I really enjoy how Americans always think sex is something dirty and ugly, but killing people and violence is wholly acceptable."

"I don't think violence is acceptable. Americans do not thrive on violence."

"You still have the death penalty, which is a meaningless and arbitrary nod at revenge..."

"The death penalty is not used for revenge killings!"

"Yes, I'm sure you are an expert on that."

"Keeping people alive in a tiny cell while slowly crushing their will to live is better?"

"Yes. If you take someone's life in a civilized society, you should be made to suffer for as many years as they lost."

"Weigh that against the fact that the whole planet is sometimes better off with certain people gone from it."

"So who decides that? How long does it take for the KGB to form, and you have a whole nation of frightened citizenry thinking if they jaywalk they might get shot."

"In some cities, crossing a certain street means you might get shot anyway."

"The simulation finally worked." They both look at the computer. "And that is much less likely in Canada because we don't answer violence with more violence."

"Move over, what did you change? And of course, Canada is a bastion of sanity and good sense in an otherwise insane world."

"Thank you."

"That was sarcasm."

"I choose to politely overlook your sarcasm, and see the compliment shining within."

"You've never done anything politely in your life."

"Which is why I left Canada, I didn't want to lose my edge."

"You don't have an edge, you're whiter than I am. You're whiter than Spock."

John saunters over to drape himself over Rodney, who is staring at his skin in the light. He is pretty white. He glances behind him at John, "Do you think I'm whiter than Spock?"

"In a metaphorical sense? Yeah, possibly."

"Is your spine broken? Get off me."

"I'm being affectionate."

"You're being lazy."

"Your computer is beeping."

"Yes, it's informing me that once again, I am the most superior person in the room."

"You need a computer for that now?" John pulls away from Rodney to stare at him with a worried look. "Are there pie charts?"

"They are in bar graph form actually. They are on the public server right underneath your essay on not being an elf or available for Lord of the Rings role playing."

They show Lord of the Rings again the next day by Rodney's request. Public movie night has grown larger, but John still owns right to the nicest couch so he is willing to put up with the Legolas jokes. One of the new recruits stares at Rodney trying to pull John onto his lap. John is bitching about totally being Strider to Lorne, and shoving at Rodney's hands.

"Should you guys be doing that in public, Sir?" Lieutenant Colken stares at them confused.

John shrugs, "The only DADT here is that no one asks why Simpson has that riding crop on her wall."

The guy nods, "Permission to date this Simpson person."

"You're not going to be over here asking if you can use the head when you need to piss right?" John stares up at him in horror as he shoves Rodney's hands off his ass again.

"Uh, no, Sir."

When Lorne's team comes back from off-world covered in a yellow pollen that sets off an orgy in the gate room, and everyone stands around awkward and nervous afterwards expecting John to finally yell now. Instead they have a long official discussion about 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' on Atlantis that ends with Rodney snarking, "The Air Force would probably get in John's gay way a little better if they stopped giving him gift cards to Pottery Barn as a Christmas bonus." Everyone believes him after that, and the word gets back to Earth that gay soldiers who feel a little stifled on earth might like another galaxy better.

The first time Rodney sees a rainbow flag on someone's jacket, he turns right around, walks into John's office, and hits him. John stares up at him, "What the hell?"

"One of the Marines has a pride flag on his jacket. Oh, stop laughing right now you idiot. This is all your fault."

"Well, we do live in a big shiny glass castle. Maybe we can get a disco ball."

When Jack O'Neill shows up again with Daniel and Vala, Sam locks herself in her room for three days. Vala goes in after the fourth day, and when they haven't come back out in another two days, everyone is gathered outside the door worried.

"Sam wouldn't kill Vala." Jack smacks his hand on the door and yells, "Carter, get out here." Vala opens the door and peeks out, she is wearing only underwear and a little shirt. She whispers, "Sam is sleeping. Shut up." before shutting the door firmly in his face.

Rodney grabs John in PURE JOY. "THAT IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!"

John shrugs, "I guess she wasn't kidding about becoming a lesbian."

Daniel shakes his head, "They aren't sleeping together that way."

Rodney glares at Daniel, "Stop ruining the moment for me."

Daniel turns to look at Rodney, "You know Jack and I aren't dating, you should stop telling people that."

"It doesn't matter Daniel. Even if you never touch another man, you're still completely gay."

Jack peers around Rodney to look at John, "Does your shirt say 'I love cock?'"

"No."

"I can read contrary to what Daniel seems to think, Colonel."

"It was a Christmas present from Elizabeth. I like it." John touches his chest self-consciously.

"This kind of shit is exactly why I let all of you come back here. Earth is in enough trouble without you"

The Atlantians all shrug, it's not really an insult to them. Earth sucks. SG-1, or the portions of it that are on Atlantis, go off world to make sure they stay in practice. The third time, Jack accidentally shoots Vala with a beam that turns her into a man, but only on the outside. The doctors all stare at the MRIs in puzzlement while Rodney stares at a male Vala who looks almost exactly like John. Radek is the one who turns her back because Rodney sprains his face being shoved into a door for suggesting a threesome. He stares up from the floor at Male Vala hatefully, "I thought you would have more of a sense of humor about this."

Jack, Daniel, Sam, and Vala all seem to be sharing a room now. Everyone knows what is going on, even on Earth because the IOA keeps sending messages asking for Jack to return to earth, and Daniel keeps having Chuck accidentally erase them. Elizabeth's porn collection has grown to staggering amounts. She is very vague about her personal time. Whenever Ladon comes by for further negotiations, he can never look anyone else on Atlantis in the eye after he leaves her office and her laptop. Rodney is still trying to find her feed. He suspects she sold her soul to the city to thwart him.

On their first anniversary, they are off-world on a planet with no people. [By request.] They are in an Ancient outpost that doesn't seem to work no matter what Rodney does. John is lying on the floor, bored, after three hours of increasingly louder swearing from Rodney. He even had them go back to get Zelenka, Sam, and a power source to see if he could get it turned on. They are all standing around, frantically arguing, when John glances over to see a box on the box that is glowing slightly.

He says, "Oh, hey, Rodney, I think..." before he reaches out and touches it. The complex comes to life around them, startling all of them, and Radek trips over John's legs. John helps him up, after he gets up, and they all look around.

"What did you touch?"

"Some boxy thing on the floor."

"Right. Okay." Rodney reaches out to touch the control panel and a holograph streams out of it, floating in the air. It's a zpm, glowing and beautiful. Schematics start popping up on the screen behind it as Rodney stands there in stunned silence. John grins, "Happy Anniversary, Rodney."

The end. bonpioijm.


End file.
